Experience being unattractive(Very long

I’ve realised at the age of 11yo I was unattractive. I was jealous of my friends getting compliments over me, being treated better etc… luckily I didn’t end up in any niche underground website, just simply aware of “looks matter”. I’d walk around with my head down, avoiding eye contact at all costs.

A year after I convinced myself that I had a glow up, (I was still clapped). But shortly after some months I’ve noticed that even “looking extremely pretty” which was a dirty lie, I still didn’t get the same attention as my friends, how come? I realised again that I was still ugly, my confidence and ego went down, my friends would indirectly call me chopped as in “Nobody’s gonna look at you anyways” or me asking if I should take my glasses off for the picture would look good and shaking their heads with a disgusted face. There was one specific friend that did that “M”, respectfully sub5, extremely recessed with a big nose, which she copes that it’s for breathing better like middle easterners. Somehow, she’d get more compliments than me, I’d stand there awkwardly as people glazed her. I craved to make her feel the same way she did to me with those underlying comments

Last year I was able to get a glow up, I look objectively more attractive than before. People noticed, new to being in the side of being pretty, I finally got what I craved for. Compliments, pretty privilege, people attracted to me, jealous people even, strangers trusting me, being treated better, causing headturns, drivers slowing down to take a better look at me, and ambulance driver beeping only to make a heart sign?

She noticed too, she’d deny that anyone could be attracted to me. She’d always say something like “oh don’t go talk to them” “they must not mean anything they’re probably making fun of you”. If anyone looked into our direction she’d immediately assume they’re looking at her.

Is it narcissistic of me to crave them to be jealous of me? To enjoy the shock or discomfort on their faces when they realise I’m more attractive than them.

I’ve sadly started to obsess over my appearance since I’ve had the “glow up” as in, I think about it everywhere I am. I’ve spent countless hours in front of a mirror training my facial expressions, into perfection so I could look pretty in any emotion. Every facial expression I make was trained, poses, demeanour..Sometimes I’d even walk longer in order to see more people complimenting me or just to cause headturns. Specially if I’m hanging out with them, I’m aware I’m the most attractive there and it makes me feel good. But I don’t like thinking this obsessively about my appearance every day.

if you’re attractive no one will mock you for having niche or weird hobbies or interests. I can wear a backpack full of keychains, nerdy or not or stereotypically “blue haired septum girl” type of interests and no one will mock you because you look attractive. Be as weird as you want and people won’t mind nor judge.